Graduation was done. The last faculty meeting was done. The end-of-school checklist was done. I found myself at the last day of May. It’s usually feels like the very first day of summer to me. The deep pocket of time that June and July hold out feels like opening a treasure chest. I am expectant, hopeful.
But not this time. The first day of summer felt like the last thing I ever expected. What did I feel?
I was sitting on my back porch in the mid-morning. I really didn’t have much of a schedule for the day. I knew that I should get up and do something. But I didn’t. Or maybe I couldn’t. There was no motivation, no drive. I just sat.
My thoughts moved inward. What’s wrong with me? Am I depressed? The symptom check came up in the negative. Am I stressed out? Nope. All of that has vanished. What is going on? I have new dreams to work on. Why am I so blah? Is this spiritual warfare? Again, the signs came up with a negative.
Heidi came out on the back porch in the midst of my perplexities. I began to talk about what I was feeling. And then it hit me. I’m just tired. I’m detoxing from two solid months of constant deadlines. And then it hit me again.
I need to allow myself to do nothing.
For someone whose value has been chained to my work output, this thought is virgin territory. It has led me to accomplishments and accolades. But it has also led me to pressure and exhaustion. But the worst part is that my heart has often been flung off in the whirlwind of activity. What if instead my sense of value is connected to how Jesus loves me as a brother?
Two days later came an unexpected confirmation. I was on the back porch again, early in the morning, praying and trying to listen to Jesus. Here is what I heard:
Listen to me. Let me care for your heart.
I was stunned. To allow myself to be cared for has always been difficult for me. But to believe that the Son of God wants to do it is beyond imagination. Yet he knows my heart. He knows your heart. Maybe it’s OK to rest. Maybe it’s OK to do nothing.
Maybe it’s not just OK. Maybe it’s what I most need right now. What does your heart need right now?
Next blog: The craziest thing I have ever done!