The first day of summer was the last thing expected

Graduation was done.  The last faculty meeting was done.  The end-of-school checklist was done.   I found myself at the last day of May.  It’s usually feels like the very first day of summer to me.  The deep pocket of time that June and July hold out feels like opening a treasure chest.  I am expectant, hopeful.

But not this time.  The first day of summer felt like the last thing I ever expected.  What did I feel?

Nothing.

I was sitting on my back porch in the mid-morning.  I really didn’t have much of a schedule for the day.  I knew that I should get up and do something.  But I didn’t.  Or maybe I couldn’t.  There was no motivation, no drive.  I just sat.

My thoughts moved inward.  What’s wrong with me?  Am I depressed?  The symptom check came up in the negative.  Am I stressed out?  Nope.  All of that has vanished.  What is going on?  I have new dreams to work on.  Why am I so blah?  Is this spiritual warfare?  Again, the signs came up with a negative.

Heidi came out on the back porch in the midst of my perplexities.  I began to talk about what I was feeling.  And then it hit me.  I’m just tired.  I’m detoxing from two solid months of constant deadlines.  And then it hit me again.

I need to allow myself to do nothing.  

For someone whose value has been chained to my work output, this thought is virgin territory.  It has led me to accomplishments and accolades.  But it has also led me to pressure and exhaustion.  But the worst part is that my heart has often been flung off in the whirlwind of activity.  What if instead my sense of value is connected to how Jesus loves me as a brother?

Two days later came an unexpected confirmation.  I was on the back porch again, early in the morning, praying and trying to listen to Jesus.  Here is what I heard:

Listen to me.  Let me care for your heart.

I was stunned.  To allow myself to be cared for has always been difficult for me.  But to believe that the Son of God wants to do it is beyond imagination.  Yet he knows my heart.  He knows your heart.  Maybe it’s OK to rest. Maybe it’s OK to do nothing.

Maybe it’s not just OK.  Maybe it’s what I most need right now.  What does your heart need right now?

Next blog: The craziest thing I have ever done!

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About Coach D

I have been a teacher and a coach for many years. My real name is Bill Delvaux, but my students call me Coach D, hence the user name. This blog is about the journey into the unknown I am walking and the landmarks I am navigating along the way. The destination: becoming who I really am as a man. I invite you to join me by reading along every Monday and Thursday.
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14 Responses to The first day of summer was the last thing expected

  1. Melanie says:

    I needed to read this today. In fact, it’s the very first post I read today and it was incredible timing. I have been experiencing the same feelings since school let out on Thursday. Thank you!

    • Coach D says:

      Thanks, Melanie. I’m so glad it was helpful to you. It really encourages me to keep writing things from my deep heart even though it can be hard. And if you think it would be helpful to others, you can repost it.

  2. Dee Anne says:

    Oh my goodness, what great words of wisdom! I only wish I would have read this on Saturday, instead of Monday, off to a new work week. I am forwarding this onto the other staff members where I work. Thank you Bill for your always “spot on” insights!

    • Coach D says:

      Sorry about your Saturday. Maybe next Saturday will be better for you! And I’m so glad it was helpful to you Dee Anne! I hope your co-workers are also encouraged by it.

  3. I have felt exactly what you describe after I retired from medical practice and again later after I
    stopped another career in church pastoral care.We are so culturally conditioned to be “doing”
    that we feel bad or wrong just “being”. Think of Jesus in the dessert after His glorious baptism
    and Paul after being commissioned in Damascus. Time was necessary “being’ in the Father’s
    presence.Can Western Christians put aside our busyness and realize the Father wants our hearts
    and not our blurring ‘busy’ behavior? Meditate on the word ABIDE as Jesus says to any disciple
    “Abide in ME”. Then enjoy the summer!!

    • Coach D says:

      Rick,
      This is so true. You speak here with words of wisdom. It is our busyness that is killing us and keeping us from truth that sets us free. And I’ll be sure to meditate on the word ABIDE. It has become such an important word to me. I hope you have a summer of being in the Father’s presence yourself. Stay in touch, friend.

  4. debbie epstein says:

    I often struggle with this. Thank you, Bill.

  5. Trey says:

    He not only knows our heart, He knows our bodies too! Given that He made and formed us, I should not be so surprised, but I am. It is probably that I keep feeling that I am too insignificant for God to pay me much attention. I hope your time of rest and renewal is wonderful preparation for what comes next.

    Trey

    • Coach D says:

      Trey,
      I think we all at some level feel like we are too little for God. But our ache for fame and our drive for dignity keep pulling us along in life. To begin to feel that we are famous before the Father and that we have the dignity of being clothed in his son is almost beyond imagination. But this is no dream. This is the story of the Bible. I hope that you enter more of this feeling this summer.

      And I too plan to let the Father care for my heart this summer.

  6. Wow Bill. You are really moving into unchartered territory and I do not know what to say about the feelings and emotions you are sharing. Peter must have had the same feelings after seeing the transfigured Christ – but couldn’t bring himself to the realization that doing nothing was the right thing to do. I have always felt for Peter in that story because it would have probably been my response too.

    • Coach D says:

      Vince,
      I think this is true for so many men. At our core, how we feel about ourselves is handcuffed to what we accomplish. To simply be and be enjoyed is like asking us to speak a different language. Yet I am convinced that this is our true source of masculinity and our truest feel for being human. It is also how we experience the deepest of all intimacy, with our Father in heaven.

  7. Trey says:

    Vince, I TOTALLY identify with Peter as well. Especially Peter before the Holy Spirit. He was so impulsive and ADHD, it is really comical in a way. And yet Christ chose him to be his rock. Wow. The story of Peter always gives me hope. His life would make an amazing movie.

    Trey

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