Schizophrenia, Part 2…or “How to change where you have been stuck for years.”

In the blog I wrote a week ago, I promised to give you an update on my schizophrenia.  Not the kind where you lose touch with reality, but the kind where you lose touch with the real and the true in life.  At some level we all have it.  For me it feels like a fork in a railroad track.  I can choose one path or the other, both leading to radically different places.  One track takes me down the old path of disconnecting from others and performing for them to receive affirmation (by the way, it doesn’t work). The other is simply receiving the Father’s love and offering that to others.

So how did I do this week with my schizophrenia?  Honestly, I struggled with it all week, switching back and forth on the train tracks.  And Saturday I found myself stuck on the wrong track again.  I took a walk and realized that I had no idea how to change here.  I asked the Lord for something here, for help.  And then it happened.  Something came to me that stunned me, almost stopping me in my “tracks.”  Here it is.

For a long time, I knew that I had to let go of using my teaching platform as a way to get the applause of others.  It created relentless pressure and just further disconnected me. But I have not known what to take on instead as I teach.  And what came to me in that moment was a sudden insight about this: “Use your teaching as a way to connect to others who are listening.”  You may be thinking, “What’s so special about that?”  But that’s the whole point.  It seems obvious now, but it was literally a blind spot for me. When the insight came, I felt as if a window had been opened in my self-constructed prison.  It was an escape route.  I could climb out.

This is how the Father coaches me in my heart.  As I wait on him, I never know how he will come.  Sometimes it happens through Scripture, other times through journaling, or listening to him, or listening to others.  Here it came as a sudden insight.  But however it happens, he does come.  He’s the good Father.

Tomorrow I go back into the classroom.  I think my time of teaching may feel different.  I hope it does.  I’m ready.

About Coach D

I have been a teacher and a coach for many years. My real name is Bill Delvaux, but my students call me Coach D, hence the user name. This blog is about the journey into the unknown I am walking and the landmarks I am navigating along the way. The destination: becoming who I really am as a man. I invite you to join me by reading along every Monday and Thursday.
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2 Responses to Schizophrenia, Part 2…or “How to change where you have been stuck for years.”

  1. Thanks Bill for sharing your journey with us. This reminds me of a friend of mine’s father who was an economics professor at a University. I had the opportunity to meet him once at our church in California. When my friend introduced us we shook hands and started chatting. It was a routine meeting, but what struck me was that we never connected. When he spoke, it was like he was lecturing a class. There was minimal eye contact. It was an ordinary, but odd encounter.

    Though you have never given me that feeling, I understand it.

    • Coach D says:

      Just wanted to say thanks for this feedback. You have just described what I call an “unman,” no heart, no passion, no connection with others. Sadly, so many men end up here. The evil and sadness in our lives shuts us down and we shut others out. It’s a lethal combination with tragic results on us and on those around us.
      I’m glad I have never gone there with you. But it is a part of my past.

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